A Heavy Heart
by M. Marchand
Summary: Charlie pushes himself too far and his heart can't take it anymore.
1. Chapter 1

Acknowledgements:  
Omi as always 

Disclaimers:  
"A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend" - Willow, Buffy the Vampire Slayer  
I do not own the characters Charlie, Don, Alan, Larry or Terry nor do  
I have any rights to anything related to the TV show Numb3rs. I plead  
fair use and claim only my own writing and characters.

* * *

Chapter One:

Charlie knows in his heart that he should take better care of himself.

He's been working on a project for weeks now, to the exclusion of almost everything else. He teaches his classes and immediately goes back to work even before the students file out of the classroom. He skips meals, he barely sleeps, his frenetic energy keeps him upright even when exhaustion should slow him down.

He knows his father and brother are worried and, to be truthful, he is too. Exhaustion is normal for him but this feels different. Things seem harder than they should be. He's nearing his limit and that shouldn't happen after only a couple of weeks. He's still in his twenties, although barely, so pulling all-nighters or working non-stop should just make him tired.

But he's more than tired. He's worried. He doesn't feel right.

Yet his hand still keeps scraping the chalk across the blackboard as the equations continue to pour out of him, his mind giving him no respite in its pursuit of a solution.

In the war of mind versus body, Charlie's genius mind has always won.

Until now.

The students are all gone for the day and the classroom is quiet as a morgue. The only sound is that of Charlie's writing.

And then even that sound stops.

The chalk falls from his hand and his hand goes to his chest. He's having trouble breathing. His chest...hurts... He puts a finger to his pulse and finds it racing even though he's barely been exerting himself.

He feels light-headed and puts a hand out to the edge of his desk to steady himself. He can't seem to get a decent breath. His chest tightens and he feels his heart beating and it feels wrong somehow.

He's scared now; he knows this is not just some dizzy spell brought on by lack of food or rest. He scrambles through his bag for his cell phone and presses the first speed dial as quickly as he can.

As it rings, his vision begins to darken and he slips down to the floor. The phone tumbles from his hand and skitters across the floor just out of reach.

"You've reached the voicemail of Agent Don Eppes..."

Charlie's on the floor now, terrified. No one is going to come looking for him and he doesn't know how much time he has left. He can hear his brother's voice from a few feet away but the recording brings him no comfort.

"Please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

Charlie reaches for the phone but the pain and lack of oxygen are quickly overwhelming him. He reaches his hand out but it's too far.

He hears the beep.

Then silence.


	2. Chapter 2

A Heavy Heart 2/20

* * *

Chapter Two:

"Oh god, oh god... Charles? Can you hear me?" Larry's voice and hands are shaking and he can barely pull out his cell phone and dial 911.

"I need an ambulance at Cal Sci..." Larry fumbles his words but manages to let the dispatcher know what building and classroom he's in.

The waiting is the hardest part. He rests his ear on Charlie's chest to monitor his heart, to convince himself that it hasn't stopped beating yet.

It's all wrong. The heart should beat with a mathematical precision that rivals Charlie's own brain.

It doesn't.

It falters.

Each time it does, Larry's own heart leaps into his throat and he panics. Will he have to do CPR to restart Charlie's heart? Does he really remember how to do CPR? Will the ambulance come in time?

Larry can't stop his mind from racing. His friend, his colleague, the man he's known since he was a boy is laying so deathly still before him it's as if he's already lost him.

'But that can't be,' he protests. 'A mind like his comes around only once in a generation! It can't be snuffed just out like that! Or can it...'

When the ambulance arrives, he goes with them, anxiously watching the heart monitor they connect to him as it shows a steady beat and then when it doesn't.


	3. Chapter 3

A Heavy Heart 3/20

* * *

Chapter Three:

Don's been on hold for ages it seems. He lets Terry drive only because the call is important. They need this information for the case they're working.

"I don't care if you have to get up and go find the information yourself. I need it now!" Don's annoyed at how inept these people are but there's not much he can do but wait.

"1970 Hillhurst Avenue? Hillhurst and Franklin? Got it!" Don snaps the cell phone shut and turns to Terry.

"Already on it," she tells him, turning towards the freeway entrance.

Don opens his cell phone again to check his messages.

"I swear to god, the people at that company are so incompetent they almost don't deserve our help on this fraud case!" Don complains.

Terry makes a small noise of commiseration, not wanting to be too loud with Don on the phone.

Distracted, Don almost deletes the message because it's just dead air. Then he hears a familiar voice: Larry.

Don listens to the message and his heart pounds in his chest. A cry of anguish escapes his lips and it must be a heart wrenching sound because Terry immediately pulls the car over.

"Don, what is it? Are you okay?"

Don's clutching his chest and not breathing. For a moment, Terry thinks he's having a heart attack. Neither has any way of knowing that he's unconsciously echoing his brother's movements of just a few minutes ago.

"Pasadena... now..." Don barely manages to whisper. "Charlie..."


	4. Chapter 4

A Heavy Heart 4/20

* * *

Chapter Four:

If Larry were thinking, he'd be making phone calls right now.

He'd be finding Alan and Don and letting them know what hospital Charlie is at and what's happening.

But Larry's not thinking.

He's staring at the door of the room they took Charlie into.

He knows there are people running around him in the emergency room. They are yelling things like 'patient's coding' and 'get me a crash cart' but he doesn't really hear them.

He just stands and stares at the door.

It feels like Charlie is gone already. That crossing the threshold of that door meant Larry was never going to see him again.

He shivers when he realizes that that might be true.

Larry's always been squeamish and he knows he'd never want to see Charlie's body, even if the funeral is open casket.

Body... Funeral...

Larry starts to shake, his thoughts overwhelming him. He's filled with preemptive grief, so certain that his friend is not long for this world.

He wants Laurel.

It finally hits him. He should call Laurel. He should call Alan and Don.

The ambulance driver had made him turn off his cell phone so Larry wanders off in search of a pay phone.

Larry has no memory for numbers at the best of times, so there's no way he can remember Don or Alan's phone numbers without his PDA. However, he remembers Laurel's.

He calls Laurel and explains where he is and what's going on.

As much as he needs her there with him, he needs her to do something else first.

She has to find the numbers and call Charlie's family.

Larry feels guilty at making her deliver the bad news but it's more than he can handle right now. 'More than I can handle?' he thinks, finally realizing how this is going to affect Alan and Don.

"Laurel, wait. Don't call Alan. Just... just go to Charlie's house and get him okay? He shouldn't be driving."

Larry hangs up the pay phone and lowers himself into a nearby chair.

And starts staring at the door again.


	5. Chapter 5

A Heavy Heart 5/20

* * *

Chapter Five:

When Don can't reach Larry on his cell phone, he starts calling hospitals. He hangs up mid-sentence when his caller ID shows a call from L. Wilson. He's only met Laurel once but he's got a good memory for names and recognizes Larry's girlfriend's last name immediately.

"Laurel? Where's Charlie?" Don doesn't even let her get a word out before he asks about his brother.

"Huntington Memorial," she replies without hesitation. "I'm on my way to pick up your father now."

"What's his condition?" Don asks.

"I don't know. The doctors haven't said anything to Larry yet. Larry only said it looks like it's his heart."

Don freezes, phone still to his ear. Charlie's heart. Not a fainting spell, not exhaustion, not even a bump on the head. His heart...

"Don? Don? Are you there?" Laurel is talking but Don can't respond.

Terry sees Don paralyzed with fear and grabs the phone from him. Don doesn't protest.

"Laurel? It's Terry. We're on our way. Go get Alan and let him know we'll meet you there. Call us if you get any updates from Larry." Terry closes the phone and speeds up. Pasadena is still a ways away and now they're both anxious to get there as soon as possible.

Before it's too late, each of them thinks, not wanting to share that thought with the other...


	6. Chapter 6

A Heavy Heart 6/20

* * *

Chapter Six:

Alan can't move.

He can't speak, can't see, can barely breathe.

Laurel is pulling at him, trying to get him to go to the car but Alan can't move.

His brain can't form sentences. It's stuck on two words: Charlie, heart.

Charlie... Heart...

If his brain were functioning, it would be sending messages to his muscles, telling him to jump up and run to the car.

But it's not.

Charlie... Heart...

Laurel pulls at him again and is probably yelling at him to move but Alan can't hear, can't respond.

He only snaps out of it when she slaps him.

He looks at her, dazed, his awareness coming back to him.

"Mr. Eppes, please! Come with me, now!"

Alan lets Laurel pull him up and push him towards the car. She finds his keys on the hallway table and locks the door behind them, something Alan wouldn't have thought of in his condition.

The ride to Huntington Memorial is quick but painful. Every moment that passes could be his baby boy's last.

Alan sends out a little prayer, to god, to his wife, he's not quite sure. 'Please, don't take him yet. It's too soon...'


	7. Chapter 7

A Heavy Heart 7/20

* * *

Chapter Seven:

Terry barely stops the car before Don leaps out and runs for the emergency room entrance. He bursts through the door looking around frantically for any familiar face. He sees his father and the two men rush towards each other.

Alan is already in tears and as Don embraces him, he begins to cry as well.

"Is he...?" Don can't bring himself to say the word.

"They won't tell me anything," Alan sobs.

Don's not sure if he's holding his father up or vice versa but they grasp each other with a desperation born out of having already lost someone they love.

Terry enters and speaks to Laurel briefly since Larry's still practically useless, consumed by grief.

The two women speak to the hospital staff and manage to secure a private waiting room for the family. Terry gently guides Don and Alan into the room, promising to bring them a doctor with answers as soon as possible.

Don and Alan sit together on the couch, consoling each other as best they can.

It's not like before though. Alan knows his wife lived a long life, not long enough certainly, but enough to raise two sons and see her husband into retirement. Charlie... Charlie has barely begun to live, despite his academic head start. 'It's so unfair', Alan thinks.

The door opens and a doctor enters. "Are you the family of Charles Eppes?"

Alan suddenly can't speak but Don manages a nod, just barely. Alan's holding his breath in fear but Don pulls up reserves he didn't realize he had and asks, "Is Charlie alive?"

"Yes," the doctor answers.

Alan lets his breath out but doesn't relax yet.

"Is it his heart?" Alan asks, fearfully.

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."


	8. Chapter 8

A Heavy Heart 8/20

* * *

Chapter Eight:

"When Charles was brought in his heart was in a state of arrhythmia, more specifically tachycardia. His heart rate was irregular and too fast. It's likely that he experienced shortness of breath, light-headedness and possibly chest pain when this began, causing him to eventually lose consciousness as the symptoms worsened."

The doctor pauses for a moment to make sure Don and Alan are following him. Both look glazed over but they have to be told the truth, hard as it might be to hear.

"We ran a number of tests including an echocardiogram. It's basically an ultrasound of the heart. We found that there's a thickening of his heart muscle, a condition called Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy. The thickening of the muscle interferes with oxygen levels and can disrupt the heart's electrical signals."

"Is it... terminal?" Alan finally finds the strength to ask the question both he and Don need answered.

"Not specifically, although people with this condition do run an increased risk for sudden death. Our first concern was addressing the arrhythmia, since that's a more immediate threat to his life. A heart can only bear the strain of tachycardia for so long before it fails. We performed a procedure called Electrical Cardioversion, which shocks the heart back to a normal rhythm. Charles responded well to it and his heart rate has returned to normal."

"So the danger is past, then?" Alan asks tentatively.

"I won't lie to you, Mr. Eppes," the doctor tells him. "The first 24 hours after an attack are critical. It's the highest risk period and it's when complications are most likely to arise. As long as Charles doesn't experience another episode of arrhythmia, which I doubt given his age, he'll be out of the woods by tomorrow. Once he's stabilized, we'll run a battery of tests over the next several days so we'll have a clearer picture of his condition. At that point we'll decide on a course of treatment for the HCM, as it's called."

"Like open heart surgery?" Don asks.

"Surgery is one option but it depends on what we find out from the tests. For right now we really just need to focus on getting him through the next 24 hours." The doctor stops for a moment and focuses on Alan.

"Mr. Eppes, I don't know how close you are to your son but it's obvious that he's not been taking care of himself. He shows signs of exhaustion, malnutrition and dehydration."

Alan blanches, filled with guilt. "Is that what caused this? Him not taking care of himself?"

"Not exactly. He's likely had HCM and just wasn't aware of it. It often doesn't show up until a person hits their twenties. HCM is believed to be caused by genetic abnormalities so he's been predisposed to this from birth. He did likely exacerbate it and brought on the arrhythmia by not taking care of himself though. That will have to change. His whole lifestyle will have to change now because of this."

The doctor stands up to leave.

"HCM is a genetic disorder that rarely skips a generation. Each child has a 50:50 chance of inheriting it. I would suggest that both of you get tested in the near future to ensure that neither of you have it as well."

Don nods to the doctor as his father clutches his hands. Alan is just barely able to comprehend that this has affected his youngest son and simply can't bear the idea of it affecting his eldest as well.

The doctor leaves and Alan whispers to his son, "Donnie... You could have this too."

Don feels his heart, suddenly heavy in his chest.

"We both could..."


	9. Chapter 9

A Heavy Heart 9/20

* * *

Chapter Nine:

Don lets his father go in to see Charlie first. ICU only allows one visitor at a time and Don wants to be selfish but can't bear the look on his father's face. He seems so lost.

He stands still for a moment, alone with his thoughts. He reviews what the doctor told them in his head. The doctor's words sounded like they should inspire confidence, but Don's been on the other side of those carefully worded discussions before and he knows it's worse than the doctor is letting on. He knows the reason why they weren't given Charlie's odds for survival in the first 24 hours was because they would have been upsetting.

Don decides it's time to tell the others what's going on and asks them to come into the waiting room after Alan leaves.

Don paces the room as Terry, Laurel and Larry sit patiently, waiting for him to gather the courage to deliver the bad news.

"Charlie's heart..." he tries to begin but it's so hard. "They found some genetic abnormality. He's evidently had it for some time but no one knew. He's been running himself into the ground again, working on god knows what project... and this time it was too much for him..." Don's voice trails off and he can't seem to get a hold of himself.

Terry rushes to embrace him and it takes him a few minutes to regain his composure. Laurel holds Larry and sees him through a fresh bout of tears.

Don forces himself to go on, rushing to get it all out before he gets overwhelmed again. "They said he had an abnormal heartbeat when they brought him in. It was too fast so they had to shock him to slow it back down and make it regular again."

"I heard it," Larry's voice is tiny and weak but it stops Don in his tracks. "I put my head on his chest and listened to his heart. It wasn't beating right... It was fast and then it would just..." Now it's Larry who can't continue.

"So they shocked him and now he's okay?" Terry prompts Don hoping to get him to share the rest.

"No, he's not," Don manages to get out. "The shock only halted that attack of arrhythmia. The condition he's got, the doctor called it HCM, he's got for life. It's not necessarily terminal according to him but that doesn't mean he's out of the woods yet. He could still need major surgery but they're not even considering that until he's stabilized which they think will be in a day or so if nothing else goes wrong."

Don tries to stay strong but his world is crumbling around him.

"Until then... we wait."


	10. Chapter 10

A Heavy Heart 10/20

* * *

Chapter Ten:

Alan rushes through the door of Charlie's room in the ICU only to be held back by one of the nurses. "I want to hold my son!" Alan wails.

"Please sir, you need to calm down first. You can sit with him and hold his hand but he can't be agitated in any way. We don't want to trigger another arrhythmia."

As desperate as he is to be near his son, Alan can't bear the idea of causing him more harm, so he holds himself back, nodding his understanding. The nurse lets him pass and she places a chair next to Charlie's bed for him. She watches him carefully until he sits quietly and takes his son's hand in both of his own.

"Charlie, please..." Alan begs. "It's not your time. You need to fight this, you need to come back to us."

Alan wrings his hand so tightly it would surely hurt if Charlie were conscious.

"Charlie, I'm afraid," Alan's voice chokes at the thought of what he's about to say. "I'm afraid that wherever you are you're seeing your mother and that's going to keep you from wanting to come back to us. I know how much you loved her and that she was the only one who truly understood you. As much as I love you son, I could never be what she was to you. But Charlie, that's not a reason to throw your life away, the life your mother and I fought so hard to give you. Please don't throw it all away now. Please come back. Please..."

Alan gazes at his son and prays for some sign that he's still in there, that this body is not just an empty shell that Charlie has already vacated. His only proof is the soft beeping of the machine monitoring his heart.

Alan gently lowers his head to his son's chest to listen for himself. He doesn't trust the machines. He needs to hear the real thing.

As he listens to Charlie's heartbeat, his tears fall to his son's chest and Alan is powerless to stop them.

As powerless as he is to keep the heart from faltering again.


	11. Chapter 11

A Heavy Heart 11/20

* * *

Chapter Eleven:

Once Alan is delivered into Terry's capable hands, Don steels himself to go see Charlie in the ICU.

He's afraid. Afraid like he's never been in his entire FBI career. More afraid than when he first learned his mother was dying. More afraid than when he was shot at in the line of duty.

Despite the doctor assuring them that the odds are in their favor, he's convinced Charlie's going to die. Illogical as the thought is, the 24 hour period feels like a death sentence to Don, the maximum amount of time he has left with his brother. The thought terrifies him.

Somehow, going to see Charlie makes it all real. That if he goes to see him it might well be the last time he sees his brother alive.

Don hesitates outside the door. The nurse standing near him tells him it's okay and he wants to tell her 'no, it's not, because my brother is in there dying.' But he says nothing.

He has no idea how much time passes before he actually opens the door. As soon as he walks inside and catches a glimpse of the motionless form surrounded by machinery, his breath catches and he feels a panic well up in his chest that he can't fight down. Suddenly there's not enough oxygen in the air. A nurse appears and forces him to sit down, telling him to breathe slowly. Don doesn't even realize he's hyperventilating and barely acknowledges her presence.

He can't take his eyes off the figure in the bed. His brain tells him it's Charlie but he can't bring himself to believe it. He's deathly pale and so... inanimate, Don could easily be convinced he's looking at a corpse and not a living being.

The only proof of life is the heart monitor and Don watches the pulses go across the screen, hypnotized but not comforted by their regularity.

His head finally clears as his breathing starts to return to normal. The nurse helps him to his feet and into the chair next to Charlie's bed.

Rather than take Charlie's hand, Don places his hand over his brother's heart. He feels it beat as he watches the pulses go across the screen. Time seems to have no meaning and Don loses track of how many beats he's watched. It could be a hundred, it could be a thousand. The only one that means anything is the one that comes next.

They keep coming. Don should be reassured by this but he's not. He's waiting. He's waiting for when they stop coming.

He doesn't think he'll have to wait long.


	12. Chapter 12

A Heavy Heart 12/20

* * *

Chapter Twelve:

Don watches the pulses go by on the screen. How many now? Several thousand? Don knows it's enough that Charlie would write it using a base ten exponent.

He knows there's a number on the screen as well but he pays little attention to it until it switches from two digits to three. It's over a hundred now and Don realizes that means Charlie's pulse is speeding up.

Don stands up and stares at the number, unable to fathom its connection to Charlie any longer. The number is spiking, one hundred twenty, one hundred thirty-five, one hundred fifty...

Don finally notices that the room is filling with medical personnel only when someone starts pushing him out of the room.

"Please sir, you have to leave now!"

He stands just outside the doorway and watches the commotion inside.

"Is he on Heparin or Warfarin already?"

"Yes, doctor, here's his chart."

"Where's the defibrillator?"

"Pulse rate is one-seventy and rising."

"Come on people, we're going to lose him if we can't get that pulse down fast!"

"Crash cart! Coming through!"

Don knows it's time, just as he knew it would be before he even walked in the room.

"Goodbye, buddy," he whispers.

"Clear!"


	13. Chapter 13

A Heavy Heart 13/20

* * *

Chapter Thirteen:

Don is wrong.

Charlie doesn't die.

He's been wrong before but he secretly still believes that he's right. That Charlie's going to leave him. Just not right this moment.

The doctors shock Charlie's heart back to a normal rhythm for the second time in only a matter of hours.

This second unexpected attack changes everything. The doctor who originally told them all the heartening words about Charlie comes back with bad news. The second attack means the tests and the treatments can't wait, that he won't stabilize, that surgery might be needed immediately. He promises to return with options for them after conferring with the other doctors but Don figures none of them prevented this attack so he doubts any of them can prevent another final one.

Eventually the nurses tell Don he can go back in again. He just shakes his head. He can't go back in there. He gives his father a nudge to let him know he can go on in and Alan doesn't hesitate.

Don turns and walks away. He has no idea where he's going, he just walks the hallways until he hits dead ends and then turns and walks in any direction that's unobstructed.

At some point, he ends up in a stairwell and then finds himself outside. He just keeps walking.

He crosses streets as they come up, paying little attention to lights or traffic. A few cars have to brake to avoid hitting him but he doesn't care.

It's a mile and a half down California Boulevard and Don barely notices the walk. Once he finds himself on the familiar campus of Cal Sci, his feet just seem to know the way to Charlie's classroom.

Don flips on the lights as he enters and sees the blackboards filled with equations. The one closest to the door has a small note attached to it that reads 'Do Not Erase'. The note looks well worn and is propped up against the chalk tray, probably because it doesn't stick any longer. Don picks it up so he can crumple it and throw it away, now that it's no longer needed. Charlie's not going to work on these equations ever again. Some part of him feels guilty though, at the thought of destroying his brother's final works of genius, and he carefully puts the note back in place.

He walks further into the room and finds what he suspected would be there. Lying forgotten on the floor is Charlie's cell phone. Don crouches down to pick it up and looks at the screen. It still says 'Don Cell' on it.

'He called me,' Don thinks. 'He should have called 911 but he called me. And I wasn't there for him.'

Filled with grief and guilt, Don drops to his knees on the floor on the spot where Larry had found Charlie earlier. Clutching the phone, he lets the sobs wrack his frame, his imminent loss finally hitting him full force.

Twenty minutes later, Terry is in the hospital parking lot looking for Don when her cell phone rings. The caller ID reads 'Charlie Cell' and she freezes up for a moment. "Hello?" she answers tentatively.

"Terry..." Don's voice is haggard with pain and it breaks Terry's heart to hear it. "I'm in Charlie's classroom." There's a pause on the line then Don continues, his voice soft and pleading. "Can you come?"

"I'll be right there," Terry assures him as she races to the car. "Do you want me to stay on the line with you while I'm driving?"

"Yeah..." Don's quiet response is so filled with sadness that Terry fights back a sob that threatens to choke her voice.

Terry says soothing things to Don for a mile and a half and parks as close as she can to Charlie's building, not caring if it's illegal. She needs to get to Don, now.


	14. Chapter 14

A Heavy Heart 14/20

* * *

Chapter Fourteen:

Terry finds Don curled in a ball next to Charlie's desk.

It's more than she can bear to see him in this much pain and when she wraps her arms around him she gives in to the need to cry just as Don does.

Gasping between sobs, Don tries to speak. "He called me. He didn't call 911, he called his big brother. And I... I was on hold with those stupid idiots and I didn't pick up!"

"Shh..." Terry tries to calm Don but he's too distraught at this point.

"What if Larry hadn't found him? There would have just been dead air on the message and I wouldn't have known something happened. Hell, I almost deleted the message as it was!"

"Don, we would have found out from Laurel only a few minutes later. There's no reason to beat yourself up over this."

"Yes, there is! My brother thought he was dying and he made his last phone call to me. To me! And I couldn't even be bothered to answer the phone."

"Don... Please..." Terry worries that his rant could get out of control and tries to calm him with soothing caresses, knowing he's too far gone for words right now.

Don seems almost beyond reach but finally he bends to her touch and delivers himself into her care.

Terry strokes his face and hair, the back of his hand and lays his head on her shoulder. Don clings to her like a child to its mother. She's a lifeline to sanity for him and he's afraid to let go and lose himself.

"Charlie's going to die," Don murmurs.

Terry shakes her head vigorously. "No, Don, he's not. He's got a good solid chance, the doctor said so."

"The doctor didn't expect a second episode of tachycardia tonight so I don't think I can trust what he says."

Terry pulls back a moment and looks Don in the face. "Don, listen to me. If Charlie's going to die and there's nothing you can do about it, then fine. But if there were even a chance he could live, why wouldn't you fight for that and try to get Charlie to fight for it too? What do you possibly have to lose by hoping for and fighting for Charlie to live?"

Don looks at Terry, so loyal and caring... But he shakes his head. "I'm not strong enough to fight."

"Yes, you are," Terry whispers. "You are the strongest, bravest man I have ever known and you are going to fight for your brother because he loves you and he needs you right now. He needs his big brother now more than ever and I know you won't let him down."

Don swallows his protests and searches his soul, hoping that what Terry tells him is true; that he can fight... he can believe...

"Help me..." he whispers. "I can't do this without you."

"I'm here. We're both here for Charlie," Terry assures him. "We won't let him down."

"I want him to live," Don says, repeating it louder as if to convince himself.

"I want Charlie to live."


	15. Chapter 15

A Heavy Heart 15/20

* * *

Chapter Fifteen:

Don stands outside of Charlie's room, grasping Terry's hand for strength. He knows he needs to go back in. He knows he needs to convince Charlie to fight for his life. His first impulse is to go in there and say his goodbyes, to say everything he thinks he should say before Charlie leaves him, all the things he said to his mother before she passed on.

But Terry tells him not to. If he acts like Charlie's leaving him, Charlie won't fight. Don needs Charlie to fight, for both their sakes.

Alan leaves the room so Don can have a turn with Charlie. Terry gives Don's hand one last squeeze before she leaves him to look after Alan.

Don takes a deep breath and holds it. When he finally lets it out, he's ready.

He braces himself and walks into the room.

If anything Charlie looks even worse the second time he sees him but Don's ready this time. He's found the strength to draw on in his love for his brother and he hangs on to that as if Charlie's life depends on it, because this time it really does.

He sits beside his brother and takes his hand. "Charlie, listen to me," Don says into Charlie's ear. "It's time for you to wake up now. I know it might be nice wherever you are, but Charlie, you can't stay there. Dad's here and he needs you. You can't leave us like this. Come back... Come back, buddy."

Don keeps on talking to Charlie, not caring much what he says as long as he keeps talking. He needs Charlie to hear his voice to ground him, to give him a reason to come back.

Don's amazed when it actually works. After only a few moments, Charlie stirs.

He's so weak he can barely move. It frightens Don but he tries hard not to show it. Charlie can't speak at first but Don encourages him until he manages a few words with great difficulty.

"Donnie... Sorry..." His voice is more breath than whisper it's so soft.

"No need to be sorry, buddy. You're sick, we understand, but the doctors are going to fix you right up." Don hopes his light tone will fool Charlie into thinking this isn't major but it doesn't work.

Charlie shakes his head, an almost imperceptible movement. "Heart..." he murmurs. "This is bad..."

Don tries to convince him otherwise but he's not a good liar when it comes to Charlie. "No, buddy, the doctors say you'll be fine."

Charlie shakes his head again. "Tell Dad sorry... Love you..."

Charlie's eyes start to flutter closed and Don yells at him, "Damn it, Charlie, no!"

This startles him enough to buy Don some time.

"Charlie, stop acting like you're going to die, do you hear me? You don't have to die. You have so much to live for and all you have to do to get your life back is try! Don't surrender, don't give up. Fight! You're the only one who can do it, Charlie. I can't fight this fight for you. You have to want it. Don't you want to live?"

Charlie looks up at his brother and Don sees it: fear, real fear. Charlie's terrified of dying but he feels like Don did earlier, that it's inevitable and that he just should make peace with it. Don knows that kind of thinking won't save him.

"Goodbye," Charlie whispers, closing his eyes.


	16. Chapter 16

A Heavy Heart 16/20

* * *

Chapter Sixteen:

"Dad." Don nudges his father. The doctor asked him a question and he didn't respond.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" Alan's having trouble wrapping his head around what he's just heard.

"I wanted to know if you had any other questions about the procedures before you sign the paperwork."

Alan shakes his head. He's not sure he's capable of understanding any more than he's already heard. The doctor laid out all the treatment options, stressing that the second episode of tachycardia in less than four hours meant that they had to make their decision quickly rather than wait for more tests. Charlie's heart can only be shocked so many times before it's damaged beyond repair. Alan's own heart almost stopped when the doctor mentioned the eventual need for a transplant if the damage continued.

"Just give me a few minutes, please."

The doctor nods and rises. "I'll come back after I check on operating room availability but we shouldn't wait too long."

Don thanks him as he leaves then turns to focus on his father.

"Dad, it's your decision. Which are you going to choose?" Don's nervous but trusts his father's judgment. He also doesn't envy the responsibility the doctor's laid on him. Charlie's life could well be in his father's hands.

"Donnie, it's so hard to decide! The open heart surgery's got a good success record but it's... it's open heart surgery! That's not going to be easy on him. The new procedure sounds like it would be easier on him than full on surgery but the risk of heart failure during the procedure is a lot higher. Either way he could die on the operating table but if we do nothing he still could die!"

"I know, Dad, I know." Don tries to be supportive but he doesn't have any answers for his father.

The two men sit in silence for some time as Alan prays for guidance in making the hardest decision of his life.

When the doctor returns, Alan is ready.

"The new procedure. The one that doesn't require open heart surgery."

The doctor nods. "There's an operating room available tonight. We can have him prepped within the hour."

Alan accepts the paperwork the doctor hands him.

His hands shake.

He signs his name.

Charlie's fate is sealed.


	17. Chapter 17

A Heavy Heart 17/20

* * *

Chapter Seventeen:

The operating room is theatre style, as one might expect in a teaching hospital. Since there are no medical students to watch the procedure at this hour of the night Don and Alan stand alone in the glass enclosed balcony as the nurses wheel Charlie in.

The doctor had explained to them that he would inject Charlie's heart with a solution that would literally destroy the excess heart muscle, returning the size of the muscle tissue to normal levels. While it sounded to Don and Alan that destroying part of Charlie's heart would only make matters worse, they were reassured by the idea that he needed the extra room for blood to flow freely.

Alan imagines that Charlie would have done all sorts of statistical analysis before deciding on which procedure to choose but Alan trusts his gut instinct. He can't imagine his baby boy going through open heart surgery in his 20s and if this method means they don't have to crack his chest open it's worth trying.

The sounds of the operating room are piped in to the balcony area and the doctor takes a moment to speak to Don and Alan before proceeding.

"Are you sure you want to watch this? I don't recommend you do so. We can keep you updated just as easily in the waiting room."

Alan flips the switch on the voice box that lets him be heard in the operating room. "We're sure."

The doctor begins the procedure as Don stares at the heart monitor, this time focusing entirely on the number instead of the pulses.

"Catheterization complete. Beginning myectomy."

Don can tell when they inject the solution because Charlie's heart reacts to it immediately. Rather than race his pulse drops, becomes erratic. There's a flurry of activity in the room and Don knows this can't be good.

"Pulse is 40 and dropping fast. He's going into cardiac arrest."

The number plummets and the doctor calls out for drugs. "Give me an amp of Epi."

Don and Alan cling to each other in raw panic. This is the worst case scenario they were told about but never believed would happen: Charlie dying on the operating room table...

"He's flatlining!"

Don sees the pulses stop going across the screen. They really are replaced by a flat line.

"Give me another amp of Epi and 1 milligram of Atropine."

"He's in V-Fib!"

"Charge to 200 joules."

"Charged!"

"Clear!"

Don and Alan both jump as the doctor places the defibrillator on Charlie's chest and presses the button to shock him.

"Still in V-Fib. Charge to 300 joules!"

It hits Don that this is what Terry was talking about earlier. That this is when Charlie needs to fight. He runs to the voice box and presses the switch, yelling into the microphone.

"Damn it, Charlie! I told you to fight! So, fight! No one else can do it for you. You want to live? You have to fight for it! Now!"

"Clear!" The doctor shocks him again.

"We have a rhythm!"

Don's hand falls away from the voice box as he sees the number come back on the screen along with the pulses. That number means Charlie's heart is beating again.

It means Charlie will live.


	18. Chapter 18

A Heavy Heart 18/20

* * *

Chapter Eighteen:

Don sits in the chair beside Charlie's bed in the ICU with his head in his hands. It's nearly 5AM and he can't remember the last time he went this long without sleep. There's no rest for him though. Not while Charlie's still in critical condition.

His brother died tonight.

Charlie might have been dead for only a minute but he was dead.

He still could die.

Don ran out of prayers hours ago. The ones he had memorized started getting jumbled up in his sleep deprived brain so he eventually resorted to one final heartfelt plea and stopped there.

His father hasn't stopped though. He's in the hospital chapel offering up his own prayers.

The doctors aren't sure if Charlie will make it through the night, so Don keeps checking the window as if the arrival of dawn means that the danger has passed.

Charlie stirs unexpectedly, startling Don. He can tell Charlie's trying to speak even though he's not quite awake. Even though he makes no sound, Don can tell what word he's trying to say repeatedly.

Mom.

Charlie settles down for a while however Don only has to wait a few more minutes before he stirs yet again.

"Hey buddy, can you hear me? Come back to me. You can do it."

Charlie's eyes open, just barely, and he manages to turn his head slightly towards Don.

Don grasps Charlie's hand tightly. "That's it. I'm right here."

Charlie doesn't respond at first, struggling to stay conscious.

Seeing Charlie this weak is painful to Don but he puts on a good face for his brother to encourage him.

"You can wake up now, Charlie. Everything's going to be fine."

Don looks into Charlie's eyes and feels a chill at how lifeless they are, like the spark that was always at the core of Charlie's personality is now extinguished.

Charlie struggles to speak, only getting the words out with great effort.

"Saw Mom."

Don swallows hard. He should have seen this coming, after all Charlie did die last night.

"Miss her so much..." Charlie whispers, his voice trembling.

"I know, buddy, I know. But it's not your time to be with her. I know that hurts and that you want to see her again."

Charlie nods, tears welling up in his eyes. Don knows how hard it was for Charlie to lose the one person who truly understood him but it never occurred to him until now just how far Charlie might go to be reunited with her. It would be easy for him at this point. All he has to do is relax and let go.

"Charlie, listen to me. You have to stay with us. You know that's what she'd want, right? Mom would want you to live a long life, do great things, help people..."

The tears welling up in Charlie's eyes finally slip loose and run down his cheeks. Don brushes them away and lays his palm softly against his brother's cheek. Charlie turns his face towards Don's hand, seeking its warmth and solace.

"Charlie, Dad and I love you. Please don't leave us."

Don's tears mirror his brother's.

"Charlie, I can't lose you," Don begs. "Please, please stay."

Charlie's eyes begin to close again despite his efforts to stay awake.

"Don't... worry... Donnie..." Charlie struggles for each syllable but manages to get them all out. "Promised Mom..."

"Promised her what, Charlie?" asked Don, afraid what the answer might be.

"Wouldn't leave... my brother."

Charlie offers Don the tiniest of smiles before succumbing to unconsciousness again.

It's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.


	19. Chapter 19

A Heavy Heart 19/20

* * *

Chapter Nineteen:

Alan slips inside Charlie's room silently just in case Don has fallen asleep. The sun rose while he was in the chapel praying and the soft light of dawn illuminates both his sons in a radiant glow.

Don sleeps with his head on Charlie's bed, his arm thrown across his little brother's torso in a protective and comforting gesture. This sweet unconscious act makes Alan smile but it's what he sees next that make him cry out involuntarily.

Even though his eyes are closed and the rest of him is still, Charlie's hand is ever so slightly moving back and forth over Don's back. He hears his father's voice and his eyes open.

"Dad," he whispers, smiling.

For a split second Alan can't decide what to do first: rush to his son's side, give thanks to god for answering his prayers or burst into tears. Somehow he finds a way to do all three at once.

"Dad..." Charlie protests weakly as his father pulls him into a tight embrace. "You'll wake Don."

"Wake him?" Alan cries out with joy. "Are you kidding me? Donnie, wake up! Charlie's going to be okay!"

Don wakes painfully, having only recently fallen asleep after being up all night. He rubs his eyes and takes in the sight of his smiling father wrapping Charlie in a bear hug.

"Hey... Go easy, Pop!" Don manages to chuckle.

"I just want to hold my little boy," Alan says, amidst tears of relief. "They wouldn't let me before!"

Charlie and Don exchange looks but Don can tell he's happy to be in his father's arms.

"It's okay, Dad. Really." Charlie's voice is much stronger than before and Don breathes a sigh of relief at how much better he looks than even just a short time ago.

Alan reluctantly ends the hug and gently lowers him back down onto his pillows. Unable to break the connection, Alan holds Charlie's hand in both of his own.

"You had us so scared, Charlie," Alan's voice cracks with emotion. "Last night..." He tries but he can't bring himself to say what happened.

Charlie squeezes his father's hand and reaches out for Don with the other. Don grasps his hand tightly and tries to speak as well but fails.

Charlie looks back and forth between them for a second or two before he figures out what they aren't telling him. "My heart stopped during the procedure, didn't it?"

Alan's breath comes in hitches and he struggles to get the words out but can't. Don finally confirms his suspicions with a quiet "yeah."

"How long?" Charlie addresses the question to Don knowing his father is incapable of answering.

"About a minute," Don answers, steadying himself with a deep breath.

Charlie nods. "Not enough time for brain damage then. Good."

"Good?" Alan erupts from his painful reverie. "Charlie, you died! How could that possibly be good in any way?"

"Dad, you know I didn't mean it like that."

Alan pauses for a minute to get his breathing back under control.

"I'm sorry, Dad." Charlie's face shows that he's not unaffected by anguish he knows he's put his family through. "Don too. This would have never happened if I'd taken better care of myself."

"You don't know that," Don tries to argue but Charlie just shakes his head.

"I've known for weeks I didn't feel right and I didn't do anything about it. If I'd thought about it though... If I'd taken the time to realize... How this might affect both of you..." This time it's Charlie who can't continue.

Don leans over and pulls his brother into his arms. "It's okay... It's all okay now. You're fine. Dad and I are fine. There's nothing to worry about anymore, right Dad?" Don turns to his father for support.

"Right, Charlie?" Alan responds.

"Right," Charlie answers as Don releases him. He stares up at his father and brother and reassures them with a smile.

"I'm not going anywhere."

Charlie turns to look at Don.

"I made a promise."


	20. Chapter 20

A Heavy Heart 20/20

* * *

Chapter Twenty:

Don walks through the front door and sees Larry heading down the stairs talking on his cell phone.

"No, that's not what I said. If you recall..." He sighs and Don can tell he's been interrupted. Larry covers the phone for a second and says to Don, "He's up in his room."

Don nods and heads up the stairs as Larry goes out into the backyard to continue his call.

Don finds Charlie in jeans and a casual button down shirt, sitting on his bed and staring out the window.

"Hey, buddy..."

"Hey, Don." Charlie offers his brother a grin. "You finally getting used to sleeping at your apartment again?"

"Slowly but surely I'm remembering it," Don jokes. "I still have no edible food in the place but at least I know which key on the ring opens the door."

Don nods his head in the direction of the stairs. "I saw the hospital bed's gone from the living room."

"Yeah, the rental company came and picked it up this morning. It took a few days of me sleeping in my room to convince Dad I didn't need it anymore. I'm glad it's gone. I mean I know doctor's orders and all, but it gave me the creeps."

"Because it reminded you of when Mom was sick?" Don asks softly.

"Yeah." Charlie's answer is quiet and he stares at his hands thoughtfully.

Don sits down on the bed beside him. "Me too."

They sit in silence for a moment, comforted by each other's presence.

"Charlie?"

"Yeah, Don?"

"Can you, I mean..." Don says tentatively. "Do you want to talk about it? About Mom? You know, seeing her?"

Charlie is silent for a long time and then finally speaks.

"I'm not sure how to describe it but I guess I can try. I'm guessing it must have happened when my heart stopped but I have no way of knowing. I said I saw her but that's not exactly it. Yes, there was a visual component but it was more... More that I felt her, you know? That I was enveloped in her presence. I just knew... I mean, I know my brain experiences knowledge on a different level than normal people but this... This was so far beyond my previous understanding of what knowing could mean. It wasn't just like knowing a fact like my middle name is Edward. It was like... Like that knowledge was already a part of who I was, that it was in my DNA... That I never learned it so much as I realized it had always been inside of me."

Charlie shakes his head. "I'm not saying this right."

"No, no... You're doing fine!" Don puts his hand on his brother's arm in encouragement. "Keep going."

Charlie swallows and starts up again. "Mom was just there, you know? I knew that she loved me, I knew that she forgave me..." Charlie's breath hitches and Don gives his arm a squeeze and waits for him to fight back the tears. "I knew... I knew that she wanted me to come back. Back here. I was so happy to be with her but somehow she made me realize..."

Don is trying hard to be strong and help Charlie through this but he finds it hard to speak when he feels so choked up inside. "Realize what, Charlie?" he manages finally.

"She's still with me." Charlie looks up at his brother, eyes shining with tears, only these are tears of happiness. "She never left me, never left you or Dad. She's around us all the time. She told me we'd all be together again one day but for now I had to promise to stay. To stay for you, Don. So I stayed."

Don is too overwhelmed to speak and the two brothers embrace wordlessly, holding on to each other tightly as if to reassure themselves their bond really is unbroken.

When they finally separate, they take a few seconds in silence to compose themselves.

Don tugs playfully at the knee of Charlie's jeans. "So, what are you so dressed up for?" he jokes.

Charlie smiles. "Dad said we could take a walk to the park later. He's finally letting me go somewhere other than the backyard which is good because I'm going stir crazy from being indoors all this time! Besides, after spending weeks in pajamas and sweats it's nice to be able to get dressed for real."

"I hear that," Don chuckles. "So where is Dad anyway? I saw that he left Larry in charge as your babysitter."

"Cooking class!" Charlie laughs. "Once he saw the dietary restrictions my doctor gave me he decided we're both eating healthy from now on. So he signed up for a series of heart healthy cooking classes on weekends. He should be back any time now."

"You boys talking about me behind my back?" Alan's voice floats in from the hall and Don stands up to greet his father.

"Didn't hear you come in, Dad," Don says as his father hugs him. Alan crosses the room to hug Charlie as well.

"I parked on the street. I wanted the driveway clear for our walk. You ready, Charlie? Get your shoes on and let's go!"

Charlie grins and starts putting on his shoes and socks.

He looks up, one shoe still in his hand, and says, "Don, are you coming with us?"

Don smiles at his little brother.

"Wouldn't miss it, buddy."


End file.
